…
There was a girl in my VCD cut classes who was pretty cool. She was kinda quiet but had some really great design work and seemed like someone I’d be friends with. I still remember her 3 photo “passage of time” project from 166. She was obviously good and made it into the program. But then she found out she had leukemia and we didn’t see her after the last cut class. We heard she had arrangments to come back later. I just got an email from our prof telling us she passed away a few days ago.
It’s really weird… I mean, in highschool there was a girl who died from like carbon dioxide poisoning our senior year but I had never really known her. And we always heard about people getting into drunk driving things, but I didn’t really know them either. I’ve also known distant-ish family members or friends of the family who have passed away. And I’ve had a near-death of a friend. But I think this is the first time it’s been someone my age who I actually knew, even though I wasn’t that close it’s still really wierd to think about.
And now I’m really sad. She would have been a good designer and it’s weird to think about the fact that she just doesn’t exist any more. And now I can’t help but think about how terrible it will be when the people even closer to me will be gone forever. I know it’s inevitable, but it makes me really really sad and makes me want to give everyone a hug, but no one is around. = (
lack of projects
It’s occurred to me recently that I don’t really DO a whole lot. I mean, I suppose I’ve been doing things like reading stuff and figuring out housing stuff, but I’m sort of at a loss as to what I’ve really been up to in my own spare time. Being the begining of the quarter I’m finding myself with a good deal of random extra time that I don’t know what to do with.
Trying to get back into old hobbies or habbits is hard cause they lose their novelty so quickly for me. I’m sort of in this weird slump of doing nothing very interesting in my own time lately. Doing artsy side projects is fun in theory but I feel like lately I haven’t had the energy to really get into anything outside of work or class…
I need to figure something out cause i’m driving myself crazy. It seems that when I have a hard time finding ways to entertain myself I have a harder time feeling comfortable in the company of others (and myself I suppose). Although that doesn’t make much sense cause I seem to be rather social lately. Oh I don’t know I’m confusing myself. I just know that I’m feeling sub-par because my Jayne time has been sub-par, which is my fault.
So I’m going to start working on a print.
nonverbal issues
So, I had my HFS interview today. My very first portfolio based job interview. I was so nervous going in and even afterwards. I felt like I went through my stuff too fast and/or didn’t bring enough to show. And I was terrible at explaining the projects & concepts. Even on my Genetics book covers, which really are based on a pretty solid concept. I had a reason for all of it. But when they asked, I came up with some crap.
And afterwards they asked me all these other questions, and I felt like I couldn’t come up with good answers fast enough. I really hadn’t anticipated their questions before going in, I had no idea what it would be like.
And there were like 3 people interviewing me, which is just nervousness x3. And The Designer at the interview was really hard to read, because he seemed so serious most of the time. The marketing women were friendly, as marketing people generally are. So! I’m glad its over. I don’t hear till Friday. I really want the job, but even if I don’t get it the interview was a good learning experience.
Later in the day, in Symbols, we met with Karen individually to talk about our projects and get a midterm evaluation. She had some pretty positive things to say about my work and how I was doing in the class.
But at the end she said she thought I wasn’t very happy, and seemed kind of grumpy in class, and I could be more positive, and I’m not very smiley, but maybe that’s an Asian thing.* I didn’t really know what to say to that. The first thing I thought was “Oh my god, I’ve become [a certain negative person I know].”
I’m use to teachers telling me to talk more, but I don’t think they’ve ever told me I seemed grumpy. It’s weird cause I don’t think I’m unhappy in class. In fact, I rather enjoy Symbols. Maybe my habitual restlessness and tiredness and stress come off that way though. I know I’m bad at pretending to be happy.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about it after she said it to me. Do other people think I’m always unhappy? Is this what makes me unapproachable? Do people avoid me because they think I’m unfriendly? Have I gone too far trying to not be That Sterotypical Loud Bubbly Asian Girl? Please let me know.
I think I need to learn to relax. I let things stress me out way too easily. I also need to learn how to communicate competently.
*Karen cites her parents as being very “composed.” My parents use to intimidate my friends. The Designer at the interview also happened to be Asian. I don’t know why it would matter at all though.
more name madness
So, for about 15 years (I don’t think I knew my last name before I was 5) when people ask me how to say my last name I’ve broken it down into the thing my mom told me to tell my friends: v-d-cha-learn. Although when she tells anyone she usually says v-d-CHA CHA CHA!-learn, cause it’s more fun this way. But this isn’t really how it’s pronounced in Thai. It’s pretty close, but it’s not quite right.
But as I was sitting here sketching poster designs when I had a revelation! I figured out something even better than Venereal Disease Cha Cha Learning:
“We teach ya learn”
Except you have to sort of slur it together and put the break between teach, like so: Wetea,chyalearn. So simple! and so much closer to the actual pronounciation. I felt like such a genious I had to share it.
off-center
I’ve been having really terrible dreams lately. The past couple of night they’ve just been stressful school related things. 3 of my design professors have made cameos in my dreams, mostly to tell me I suck. It’s as if my body needs school related stress so when it doesn’t get any durring the day it makes up for it at night. I’d wake up thinking “oh no! I need to finish that paper that’s due tomorrow!” or something. Then after a few minutes of confusion I remember I’m not even IN school right now. I’m pretty sure I’m insane.
But last night was probably the first real nightmare type thing I’ve had in a really long time. The first half of it was just really mundane stressful things. But in the second half it was just scary:
I think I was in St. Louis on the 4th of July. I was watching fireworks from under some sort of bridge or something with lots of other people. Somehow I end up laying next to a creepy older guy (maybe mid 40’s or so), under the same blanket. He looks over at me and just starts jacking off. So I try to get away and he grabs me and I fight him off. The next large chunk of time is spent running away and trying to fight him off with my pocket knife. But the knife is useless on him, no matter how much I cut and stab him he doesn’t seem to even care. Cutting into his skin is like cutting into rubber. I think he cuts my arm a few times too. So I’m running away and somehow end up in the backyard of one of my old best friends in St.Louis. Her mom is out in the backyard planting flowers or something. I’m obviously distressed but she refuses to help me. I run across the street into our old house and start to lock the windows. I see him walking around my outside, in that slow and deliberately creepy kind of way. He stares in at me from the windows occasionally. I try calling 911, but I get no dial tone or anything. And then I hear a window opening.
And then I wake up terrified, refusing to go back to sleep. It was really scary.
I think I have been really off center the past few days. I went to bed really anxious and unstable. I think I need some sun. As much as I love rain, the short gloomy days get to me.
said joy
Sometimes I say my sister is crazy… But in a good way. I think maybe it’s in that Catch-22 sort of way where only the “crazy” people really know what’s going on. And in that sense I wish I was half as crazy as her.
I don’t know how to really introduce this huge quote, but I felt the need to share her words, cause they made me think about stuff:
“One of the projects Common Ground is working on is rebuilding a community center…It’s all very exciting-it’s anarchy at its best. I have always said that i have seen the future and was terrified but this is also the future- the good the hopeful. I think the volunteers down here are so thrilled to be here because it gives us a break from our normal bullshit lives in the system. This is a way to escape it and to be almost free. I finally understand the idea of live free or die-i really get it. A life worth living is so much. I think the volunteers are thankful that they can be a part of this rebuilding, this part of feeling significant when everyday we have to live our lives out in a normal 9-5 fashion where we don’t contribute one single bit of significance to society. It sucks that a hurricane has to bring this out in us but it makes you wonder what things could really be like if we could break free of this system or
machine. What if we didn’t have to be drones for the hive? Where could we be today?
…We can’t abandon our way of life just yet but we can certainly start paring down. I am thankful that I am not held down my material items (with the one bad exception of U2 items) that I can’t carry around with me. Nothing seems that important- maybe it really is time to get rid of even more stuff. Clothes, books, etc.
Why do i do this? because it feels good-it feels rewarding to help other people, to help other people get their own voice back, power to the powerless, to be an advocate for others in whatever way makes sense. I pity those who don’t have the compassion or empathy to feel tragedy and injustice. It dehumanizes them and reduces them to mindless automatons to be so wrapped up in their ridiculous lives- a life worth living or being a robot. I don’t know what the answer is but i know i won’t be a robot any longer.”
Looking around my room just makes me feel… lucky but guilty. The more things I accumulate the worse I feel about it. I need to do a massive cleaning out and revamp. I need to recenter and reorganize.
irrational.
I hate when The Monthly Special messes me up right before it comes along. I suppose that’s just called pms. It’s not even the physical stuff, like cramps and things. It’s the mental things that drive me crazy.
It’s knowing that my reasoning is out of whack because of hormonal things going on inside my head, but still allowing this messed up reasoning affect me. It’s like when you know you’re dreaming but you can’t really do anything.
I know that most of my decisions are based on intuition and feeling, rather than hard logic, to begin with. But it seems like the Pre-Special makes me throw all logic out of the window and I come to some pretty ridiculous conclusions and solutions.
But it’s kinda interesting being able to sort of step back from myself and sort of just observe it. I’ve pretty much learned to never really trust my decision making durring the Pre-Special. Cause if I did, I don’t even know where I’d be by now.
I probably would have dropped out of college, left everything behind, run off with a lover, hopped a train to Mexico, joined the circus, and maybe live in an old van drawing comics. And I’d live with a rugged black lab named Banjo, and call him Jo for short.
That actually doesn’t sound too bad.
Anyways, it’s been a screenprintastic weekend. Its weird how I’d really rather be spending hours in the studio than doing anything else. If only I didn’t have to eat or sleep.
And “ebullient” is just a really fantastic word, and the word of the day.
honestly
For the most part, I’m fine left on my own. I have plenty to do and plenty of ways to amuse myself. Usually, I prefer a relatively high percentage of time alone to do my thing.
But sometimes I feel neglected. And feeling that at all makes me feel needy, which makes me feel lame.
I’m not saying I want everyone to come hang out with me all the time, cause I really wouldn’t be able to handle that much. I’m not even sure what I’m really saying. It’s not like a real consistent feeling or anything. Like I said, generally I’m happier on my own. It’s mostly fleeting and occasional. But now is one of those times and I can’t sleep.
It’s the little things.
BLARG! Mono Sucks.
Life would be so much better if my nose was happy instead of stuffy. Or if my throat was all swollen and covered in nasty. Or if I could swallow anything without hurting. Or if the taste buds on my tounge weren’t mysteriously getting messed up. Or if my head didn’t feel like it was being squeezed in all the time. Or if I just had the energy to get things done. Arg! It’s so frustrating!
Sorry, I just need to bitch about it cause it’s driving me crazy. Half the day I spend thinking “OMG life sucks. I hate everyone. I wish I was dead.” Which is probably a little melodramatic. Of course the other half of the day is more like “gosh, this is awfuly inconvenient.” I hate not being able to do things.
I think it’s the whole throat/nose area that drives me up the wall. Because generally I enjoy eating and breathing at the same time, but maybe that’s asking too much. I also like being able to eat happily.
I remember when I was younger, and quite a bit chunkier, I heard people lost lots of weight when they had mono. At the time I thought, “Hmm. That’d almost be nice, you don’t even have to do anything.” But you know, screw that.
I want to be able to eat voraciously, live actively, and make out passionately. It makes me sad that I won’t be doing any of those for quite a while.
manly grunt monday
Uuuhg.
Today just won’t fucking end. I’ve been cursing to myself all night. Probably cause I’m cranky… I’ve only been up since like 5 am and just spent the last 4 hours doing the Sports page, or rather waiting around for the content to come in. I’m pretty sure I’ve decided that I have very little interest in editorial design. It’s so little design and so much wasted down time, and unnessisarily late hours. Not that ad design is real design either, but at least with that it’s laid back, easy, and pays hourly. Sure the editorial side pays slightly more… but there is something about the whole process that just doesn’t appeal to me all that much.
I’m obsessed with anonymity. I don’t know what it is. I don’t really care about current events or anything that’s really relevant or useful. But there is something about words from strangers that really get me. I don’t really want to ever know who these people are, but I thrive on their secrets and thoughts. I guess for some strange reason it just makes me feel better.
sleep.
